Wow, that sounds more melodramatic than I meant it to. It has been 8 months.
Life has kicked my ass. My depression hit me in full-swing once school started back in January. My doctor upped my anti-depressants at the end of March, but not before I fucked up a work evaluation, and managed to have a breakdown in front of my principal. I am super fortunate that I have an amazing principal, who has been NOTHING but amazingly supportive of me. I am honest and open about my mental health struggles – so many people have them, and so many people have bad days, that it isn’t something that I want to hide.
I think that by openly talking about our struggles, mental health or otherwise, we build a stronger community who can help us to get through the struggles. I feel super, super blessed to have a strong Tribe around me – I not only have my husband, but I have my mother (hi, mom!), my Second Family, my friends, my colleagues (some of whom fit into the colleagues circle, it is a complicated Venn Diagram, folks, just go with it). Some of my Tribe (in fact, a good chunk) are based primarily online. And to be honest, sometimes writing my thoughts out is what I need to do. I can have a moment to compose my thoughts and phrase my feelings, and my experiences, so someone else can understand it. In fact, I frequently have a lot of conversations with my BFF primarily over Messenger, same with my husband when we are on opposite shifts.
Writing is my preferred method of communication when it comes to conveying emotional topics. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am as vocal as they come. I can holler and scream with the nastiest woman out there. I will stand up and call out the jackass in the crowd. I will give that speech to rally others to our cause. However, I think my inner voice is missed when I slow down and write.
ANYWAYS, all of that to say – I am back! Life is fantastic – my medication increase has been a life-changing thing. I actually have energy – I am motivated and passionate. I want to go out and meet people and sing karaoke again and do things in my community, for my community. I am planning on being more involved in the local Pride/Polyamory advocacy groups/scenes (side note: If you are in Windsor, and attending Pride, look me up!). I am becoming more active in my union this year – I am on the Human Rights committee, the Collective Bargaining committee, and the New Member’s committee. I am pulling my shit together, and right now I am rocking it.
During my depression, and in getting my shit back together, I have been stepping back from my spiritual practice – I haven’t had the energy to devote to doing readings, or to setting up my altar or to even really do much more than burn incense. However, I have been spending a lot more time outdoors, and I am realizing that just spending time in nature (as urban/suburban as it may be) I am connecting with my spirituality. I am listening more – to nature, to people, to the signs the universe is sending me.
Soon, I will start reading again. Right now, I am focusing on myself and living the life that makes me happy. I am being Proud: of myself, of my accomplishments (however small). I am living proudly – I’ve stopped apologizing for being myself. I am living outwardly how I feel inwardly. This, in and of itself, feels like a Big Fucking Deal to me.
So, life now: I am living proudly. I am happy (for what feels like the first time in a long while). I am being Me.
What comes in the future? I don’t know, yet. I’m going to post a Grimoire File in the next couple days (I have it mostly written, just need to put some finishing touches on it). I want to make some new incense to share with new friends. After that? I don’t know. Life is day-by-day, and I have stopped living life with promises I can’t follow through with.
I do know that you will hear from me soon!